Six Month Reflection

It’s almost impossible to believe that today marks six full months of travel. If you had told me this time last year that I would be in Bulgaria, having been on the road for 26 weeks, been through 15 countries, seen countless incredible sights, made so many wonderful friends, and managed to add seven more dogs to my Menagerie (oops), I would have rolled my eyes and told you you were crazier then I am, and that’s saying something. Yet here I sit, tucked in the little caravan that has been my home for the last six months, and I have done all of those things and more. It’s weird to contemplate how different my life is then I thought it would be a year ago, and more, to really grasp how I feel about the changes.

I “knew” travelling with all my animals around Europe with no plan and little money was going to be challenging. Everyone knew that. But I had no idea just how plain hard it would be. I could never have anticipated the stress involved with not being able to afford campsites, food, gas, and vet care. I couldn’t have known how often we would be coasting in to a truck stop on the last fumes of gas, or what it would be like to not be able to find any rest stops as the last rays of sun were setting behind yet another mountain. When we lost phone service and reliable WiFi we faced a generational challenge that I know our parents would have laughed at… but you can’t find truck stops on a map!!

The reality of six large dogs and five cats cooped up in a tiny caravan and car is actually brutal… there is nothing fun or exciting about it. It’s dirty, hairy, smelly, and crowded. No amount of vacuuming or wiping down can keep the sheer volume of animal at bay. On the days when there’s no place for off leash walking, the dogs pick fights with each other and the cats to work off energy. Or they bark incessantly until your head wants to explode and you can’t think straight.

I’ve struggled with nightmares and insomnia for years due to PTSD, but on this trip sleep has become a distant memory. The few hours I do catch are often interrupted by high beams at truck stops, drunks throwing up in front of the caravan, or dogs and cats simply stepping all over me in an effort to find a place to lay down. And the fact that I haven’t had any sleep doesn’t stop the fact that they all want breakfast, potty breaks, and walks at the crack of dawn. There’s no option to just throw the door open and let them run around the yard for a bit like back home… it requires fully getting up, getting dressed, putting on leashes, yelling for everyone to shut up and sit down so you can do all those things, and then being dragged out the door and across a parking lot to the nearest grass so the business can get underway. This is rain or shine, snow or blazing heat, day and night. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve closed my eyes and wished myself back to England in my great big house with my huge fenced garden and a husband to lean on when it gets to be too much for me. That’s not an option out here on the road so we just get on with it, albeit with plenty of griping and swearing at the animals and at each other when Trav and I have reached the end of our ropes.

Other challenges are more unexpected. Laundry has been our biggest shock. Laundromats such as we have back in the States are not a thing through much of Europe, especially not in small town, rural Europe where we spend the vast majority of our time. We can go a month between finding laundry options and while I have enough clothes to get through it, poor Travis suffers. More, the bedding suffers. Usually I would change sheets once a week at minimum… I’m used to hair but this is a whole different ball game and it drives me crazy. Showering is another issue. In countries with good truck stops we did okay, but when we entered the Balkans, things weren’t so easy. Here in Bulgaria we have access to a house and shower, except it’s winter time, and the pipes freeze regularly. We’ve gotten real good at washing by baby wipes or showering in 60 seconds when there’s enough hot water to do so. They claim that not washing your hair too often is actually good for it… well mine is being put to the ultimate test; I’m not sure I’m impressed.

The reality of life on the road is that there isn’t a lot of what you see in the photos or on those travel shows. We sight see once in a blue moon and in some counties have missed the best sights altogether because they aren’t practical with dogs in tow. It’s not one big adventure day to the next; most of the time it’s just trying to stretch the last few dollars to feed us all until next month’s pay check and be able to afford the gas to get us to the next country or safe place. It’s wondering how to cook food with no stove and no place to start a fire, and how to stay warm with no electricity when the temperatures drop below zero (the animals are real helpful there)! It’s never knowing where we are or where we’re going next, and often not being able to read the signs that are directing us there. It’s a lot of communication by hand and Google translate and often knowing that neither party has a clue what’s been said. It’s hard and it’s depressing and it’s frustrating and it’s often lonely even with each other and the animals for company.

But all that being said, I wouldn’t take back a single moment of the last six months. We maybe be living rough, we may be taking the longer, tougher road, but damn are we living life to the fullest. No one can say that we haven’t taken the bit in our teeth and ran with it.

I’ve bathed in a lake in Denmark and stood on the spot where two seas meet. I’ve traversed most of Poland in an attempt to enter the Ukraine (which admittedly failed). But I’ve walked the castle in Krakow and gazed through the gates of Auschwitz. I’ve ridden native horses in the Czech Republic and watched traditional song and dance at one of their local village fairs. We made friends there, from both the Czech and from all the way from China. In Austria we may have seen some of the worst of life, but we also saw some of the best. I drove Standardbred racehorses and summitted my first mountains. I rode in ski lifts with my service dogs and danced on the streets of Hallstatt with Wasi. I saw Vienna through my family’s eyes, rediscovered Austria’s beauty through them when it had all gone a bit sour. The friends we made it Austria will be ones we keep for life: we’ve revisited some already and have others coming to see us next month! I finally made it to Italy, and the magic of Venice. There’s more to discover there but at least I got a taste. A dear friend joined us there and made it all the more special.

Entering the Balkans, we had no expectations, no ideas of what life would be like here. In Croatia we were introduced to Rakia (ewww by the way), perfect beaches and the friendliest people around. Bosnia and Herzegovina stole my heart with its unexpected charm and harsh mountain beauty. There I rode horses free across lands littered with the ruins of ancient people’s. The recent tragedy only made the people’s determination to move forward all the more inspiring. We lived in a town that had been at the center of the war, where houses still bore the bullet holes and bombed out craters of the violence. Our hosts there has experienced the war first hand, one on the front lines, another having to give up his eight month old daughter to keep her safe. The shadows of what they lived through was often still visible in their eyes and their hard exterior, though when you got to know them, they were people just like us who wanted peace and prosperity just like people everywhere. They shared their stories and it was impossible not to feel their pain. It was humbling and frightening and inspiring all at once.

Our time in Serbia was too short but we reunited with one of the friends we made in Austria and he shared life there with us. We met his family, had dinner made by his grandmother (amazing by the way). We helped move a (very large) pig and played with some piglets. Our friend shared his family’a story with us, how life had improved for them but there was still more they hoped to do with the house. We talked about the protests in Belgrade and how politics are the same no matter where you are in the world. And again it was brought home to us how very alike people are, no matter where they may be… we’re really all the same at heart.

Now we’re in Bulgaria. In the last six months we’ve rescued two dogs and successfully rehomed one. The second dog has a home waiting for her when she weans her puppies. Somehow I’m once again raising a litter of six puppies born on my bed, nearly seven years exactly since my Nefsi was born. I was just divorced then too; how’s that for life coming full circle? My own dogs and cats are happy and healthy. Wasi will celebrate his one year birthday tomorrow; he will have spent exactly half his life living on the road. That’s one well travelled pup! We lost our precious Sami but we’ve never forgotten her, not even for a moment… she’s still apart of our Menagerie in spirit.

I don’t know what happens next. I don’t know where we will go when our time in Bulgaria is up, or how we will get there. Outside factors have made life all the more difficult right now; especially financially, but I imagine we will get through it. I long to return to England, to my horses, my friends, my life there, but I know it’s not possible right now. There’s so much more to see, so much more to do, and we’ve finally gotten the hang of this life on the road so I suppose we should take advantage; lord knows I’ll never do a trip quite this way again! But it’s certainly been one hell of an adventure so far, and I’m glad it’s not over yet!

Happy New Year

I know I’m late and that I’ve been absent for a few weeks. Suffice to say, when I can’t get my happy pills, just waking up in the morning and dealing with my dogs tends to be all I can handle in a day. That and the fact that my thoughts always turn rather morose during those withdrawal episodes kept me from wanting to write and bring everyone down with me. But I’m happy to report that good old Bulgaria has an unlimited supply of Zoloft and I have stocked up for the foreseeable future and after about a week back on them, I’m feeling much more myself again!

The last few weeks have been mostly quiet to be honest, so I haven’t missed much. We’re nicely settled in to our routine here in Gabrovo, though admittedly that routine has including a rather hermit-like existence for myself as I’ve been on puppy watch! I’ll go in to more details on her own post, but suffice to say that we have our second rescue dog of the trip, along with the seven adorable puppies she gave birth to yesterday. I know, what in the hell were we thinking. Stay tuned!

Our holidays here in Bulgaria were wonderful, aided by the fact that our hostess has already become more family then friend. We were included on all the festivities, and they even bought us some Christmas gifts. I managed to watch White Christmas on Christmas Eve, my personal tradition, and made everyone some American chocolate chip cookies.

Christmas morning Travis whipped up some an awesome American breakfast (we shared lots of home with our friends this holiday!) of pancakes, eggs, and bacon and of course, mimosas! I engaged in a game of monopoly with Sky, which I was obviously winning before we gave up. The kids were thrilled with their presents and I was so touched when we got ours. We also spent lots of time FaceTiming back with our own families back home, and I admit to more then a touch of homesickness.

The week between Christmas and New Years was marked by warmer temperatures and mostly by me complaining about the overwhelming amount of mud in the caravan. I can deal with a fairly high degree of mess/dirt, obviously, or I wouldn’t be able to travel like this with my animals, but even I have my limits. Mud, especially of this heavy, clay variety that sticks to everything and doesn’t easily brush or vacuum off is enough to make me break out into a full blown panic attack, which I did multiple times. Thankfully, Nefsi may be retired from public access work but he’s still on point at home and he was able to bring me around before I lost my mind. Wasi is doing his best but his idea of disruption is currently to launch himself in to my arms and slather me with slobber… a would be effective tactic except I hate dog kisses and it makes me even more strung out. We’re working on it, he will get there.

For New Years, Dee and I struggled to stay awake until midnight and ended up cuddled up in her bed with six dogs and who knows how many cats about two hours out. However, thanks to Wasi’s insistence that he could also fit (he couldn’t) and his repeated attempts to do so (I still have the bruises), we weren’t able to succumb to sleep before the year changed. We rang it in with sparkles and lots of noise and then hightailed it to bed.

Now we’re a few days in to 2019 and I’m taking a moment to look back over the last year. It’s been a long one, with some incredible highs and some seriously low lows. I want to say the ups outweighed the downs but honestly, I think it probably came out pretty even. All things considered, that’s better then expected so I’ll take it. I do know that I’ve had one incredible experience after another this year, from filling a lifelong dream of riding racehorses in Newmarket, England to taking the leap and embarking on this insane tour of Europe with my furry family in tow. No one can say that I’ve let PTSD take life away from me, that’s for sure, and since that’s my daily goal, I’m satisfied. This coming year I’m hoping to find a bit of the opposite of what I found this year: less questions and more answers, less drama and more peace, less restlessness and more stability… most of all, though, what I’d like to find in 2019 is a home to call my own, where I can reunite my horses, safely house my dogs and cats, and never have to worry about losing it all again. So here’s to that!

P.S. I also want a really good vacuum this year… my life in the caravan would be so different with a really good vacuum ūüėā!

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Harry Potter

You know when you have one of those days where you just can’t seem to find the energy to do anything at all? ¬†Today has been one of those days for me. ¬†Part of the problem is that my Suby is in the shop getting an much needed oil change, so I’ve not been able to keep up with my promise to myself to take a mini adventure every other day. ¬†The result is that I’m feeling trapped, which inevitably leads to feeling anxious, which saps the energy I would normally have to get up and do something. ¬†The second part of the problem is the weather, which has turned to a foul mix of rain and snow and negative temperatures… ¬†I am deeply susceptible to seasonal affective disorder, which means my depressions tend to worsen noticeably with bad weather. ¬†Thus, between feeling trapped and feeling low because of the gloomy skies, today was almost one of those useless wastes of a day.

Fortunately, all was not entirely lost, as Harry Potter came to the rescue, as he often does these days. ¬†I recently read an article on one of my psychology sites about how good for one’s mental health it is to reread their favourites books or rewatch their favourites movies. ¬†Knowing what’s coming and how things will end is apparently a valid way of self-soothing. ¬†It makes sense then I suppose, that I seem to naturally navigate towards some of my favourites on days like today. ¬†Of the literally thousands of books that I own, the Harry Potter series is the only ones that we brought with us; everything else we read is on Kindle (not my favourite way to read, I still prefer to turn pages whenever possible).

So far on this trip, I’ve reread the Harry Potter books through nearly twice (I’m on the sixth book again), and am working my way through the movies steadily (when wifi is strong enough to stream them in full). ¬†Travis is actually on his fourth round through the books, so he’s got me beat there, though he had never read them through himself before this trip so he finds it easier to read them back to back, whereas I have reread the Harry Potter series a minimum of twice a year every year since they were published. ¬†It doesn’t seem to matter that I know the stories by heart and can find all my favourite quotes without even having to mark the pages, every time I read them is as fresh and new and wonderful as it was the very first time. ¬†I know I’m not the only one that wishes they could thank J.K. Rowling personally for being such an extraordinary writer (Side note: If you haven’t read her other books, including her mystery series written under Robert Galbraith, you are missing out)!

Escaping in to the wizard world keeps me sane a lot, perhaps more then I realised.  Instead of roaming around inside my own head, I can read a story that serves as a very real reminder of good overcoming evil, love triumphing over hatred, and in its simplest form, that life does go on, regardless of the challenges we face.  Those are pretty important reminders these days.

Winter is Coming

Today has been an exciting day, for all the wrong reasons.  These sort of days are bound to happen on a trip as long as this one, but they sure do make us miss home sometimes.

The day started with the promise of foul weather incoming over the next few days. ¬†This wouldn’t be a huge issue, except that Travis is leaving for the States tomorrow and flying out of Sarajevo, a three hour drive over mountains from Kupres. ¬†The prospect of bad weather had us deciding that we had better make for Sarajevo a day early so there was no risk of Travis missing his flight. ¬†This also meant a hotel for the night, situating the cats for a couple days on their own, and packing seven dogs in to a car that really are not keen to be crammed together for long lengths of time. ¬†The cost of a hotel was my main concern, as my finances are strained well past the breaking point already; thank god for parents who were willing to lend a helping hand there.

On the way to Sarajevo, we made our scheduled stop in Bugojno to have Syn and Wasi seen by our vet. ¬†Both dogs seemed stable this morning, but were clearly still not improving. ¬†The vet diagnosed them both with Babesia, a dangerous tick borne illness that is prevalent and often fatal here in BiH. ¬†As a precaution, he recommended treating all six of our dogs with Imizol to head it off in the others and hopefully get Syn and Wasi on the way to recovery. ¬†Everyone but Syn reacted fine to the injection; she promptly vomited and has been going downhill ever since. ¬†There’s nothing worse then being on the road with a sick dog, and its thousands of times worse when the thought is in the back of your head that the disease is often fatal. ¬†However, Syn did eat a full dinner tonight, and seems to be enjoying the hotel digs (she and Wasi are even being featured on the hotel’s instagram account, check them out @hotelazizasarajevo), so we’re hoping the medication is starting to kick in. ¬†A blood transfusion is the next step, and that’s a daunting undertaking no matter where you are, so I’m hoping hard it doesn’t come to that.

Following the vet visit, we headed to the auto shop to attempt to finally replace the battery in the Suby, which has been dying steadily since Austria. ¬†My trusty Subaru Forester has been as amazing as anyone could ask a car to be over the last seven years. ¬†I bought her in CA in 2012, brand new, the first vehicle I’d ever purchased. ¬†Since then, she’s travelled not only through over 25 states with me, but also through nearly half the countries of Europe with more to come. ¬†She’s slowing down though, and the battery isn’t the only thing that needs some help (aside from the battery, she needs a routine oil change and minor service, new brakes, and her fuel injectors are in rough shape). ¬†We’re doing our best to get her taken care of as we can afford it. ¬†Unfortunately, while attempting to purchase her a new battery, we discovered that there is another problem, one which we do not currently have an actual name for because the mechanic spoke no English and the auto parts clerk’s was limited to “the engine is broke.”

What that means is anyone’s guess, but it certainly wasn’t the kind of news we needed on a day when we’d already spent the little remaining savings I had left treating sickly dogs. ¬†Worse, the mechanic refused to do any actual diagnostics because as he literally pointed out by tapping the Subaru symbol and throwing up his hands, they don’t stock parts for Suby’s here. ¬†Another blow on an already shitty day. ¬†Since we’re in Sarajevo and its a major city, I’m going to try to find an auto shop here that may be able to at least order the parts in, but I’ll admit that this is an area where I always feel like a fish out of water. ¬†One of the main reasons that I opted to travel Europe in the company of my cousin was that I knew there was the chance of running in to car issues, and I wanted someone around that had some idea of what they might be talking about. ¬†The prospect of having to deal with this alone after Travis leaves tomorrow, in a country with no Subaru dealership, and with a notable language barrier not to mention my own lack of auto knowledge has me bordering on an anxiety attack already and its still a whole sleep away.

I’m trying to remind myself that this is the sort of thing that I need to learn to face and deal with in order to grow in to the complete person I want to be. ¬†Overcoming adversity, whether its sick dogs or a car whose “engine in broke,” is half the point of this entire trip in the first place. ¬†But I freely admit to being nervous, even downright scared. ¬†As of tomorrow, I’ll be entirely on my own (if I don’t count the furry crew) for the very first time since I was married over five years ago… ¬†and it seems like the problems are piling up as fast as the snow I can smell in the air. ¬†Winter is coming, and I’m not at all sure that I’m ready to face it. ¬†But I guess I have to be don’t I?